The Woes of Sirius Black
by funscone
Summary: Sirius checks out arses and ponders his sexuality. Oh, and he finds Remus' nose fetching Just a random feelgood fic.
1. Sirius' dilemma

a/n: This little fic is inspired by 'I'm coming out' by Diana Ross, which will be of great significance later ;)

The Beta is done by Natasha, the lovely girl that I actually came in contact hereon fanfictiondotnet,this one's for her. Even though she likes H/D better :P

Disclaimer: I love the boys, but sadly, they're not mine 'pouts'

The Woes of Sirius Black

* * *

The first time Sirius Black had the thought that maybe he was gay, he brushed it aside with no hesitation. But as time passed on and hormones and puberty made themselves known, he started to ponder just how heterosexual it was to check out other people's arses. _Very heterosexual_ was Sirius' conclusion, and blatantly ignored the fact that most of the one's he'd found nice did in fact belong to the less female part of the Hogwarts population. Sirius kept on sleeping in classes, mixing up potions ingredients, exchanging the salt in the shakers for sugar (which he himself admitted was a pretty shitty prank), and secretly admiring the hind quarters of the male quidditch players. _Maybe_, thought Sirius hopefully, _maybe I'm just trying to see how high ranking my own bottom would get._ Or maybe he was settling in a home on the banks of a river in Egypt.

Then came the Saturday morning in late November when Remus Lupin burst into the Gryffindor common room looking windswept and flushing, declaring that the first snow had fallen during the night. When all the Gryffindors' had stormed out and were tumbling over in the weather, and Sirius himself was scooping up handful after handful of the cold snow, pressing it together into airy balls and tossing them at random people, the miracle that was Remus happened.  
Sirius had just thrown a snowball right right at the back of Remus' head, and stood and watched as it connected with his neck. Remus froze. Then he turned around slowly, some of the snow sliding into his robes and down his back, making him shiver. Their eyes met and Sirius felt an icy chill in his stomach as he responded to Remus' cold gaze. They stood unmoving for what felt like an eternity. Then Sirius scrambled to get a new scoop of snow to make another cold weapon, but before he could stand up straight he found himself attacked by something black that slammed against him and sent him tumbling to the ground. He gasped as he connected with the wet snow with a crusty thump, and immediately there was something cold and crunchy stuffed into his mouth. It took a few moments for him to stop flailing his arms and spit out the snow, and when he looked up at his attacker; Remus was straddling him, grinning widely. Sirius stared as if he'd been hypnotised. The twinkle in Remus' eyes, the dimple in his left cheek, Hell, even Remus' cold and reddening nose was the most fetching thing Sirius had ever seen. That was the moment when Sirius realised that maybe he wasn't as straight as he'd believed.  
_Well, this we cannot have_, thought Sirius, as he squeezed the now wet snowball in his hand and thrust it in Remus' face.

"Ieug! Pads! I got snow up my nose!" wailed Remus and futilely tried to get it out by pressing his nose. Sirius just lay there, staring at Remus'now tomato-red nose that was filled with the white substance, and it was _still fetching, dammit_!  
Remus had now reverted to shaking his head in the mission of clearing the snow out. He looked so silly shaking his head and poking his nose that Sirius couldn't help but snicker. Remus shot him a glare.

"Awww, Moony, you're so _cute_."

Not more than a second after he'd uttered those words, Sirius was covered in snow.

* * *

Later, when they were heading back to the castle, and Sirius was trying to brush out the snow from his now damp hair, he made a big number of walking behind Remus because of the miniature snowman that Remus had made of his head. Or, at least, that's what he told himself.

* * *

After this day, nobody was safe. In his quest for his sexuality, Sirius started to _accidentally_ bump into people, making them drop things - and have to bend over to retrieve them. After some time James started hinting that glasses were very sexy on dark haired men, and by the end of term, people had started to make way for him in the corridors. Even though the students stood flush against the walls when Sirius came careening he still managed to knock people – and furniture – over.

* * *

Over the holidays Sirius spent time pondering his situation, coming to a conclusion, making a banner out of the horrible pink dining room curtains and some silver paint, and, secretly, purchasing a pair of subtle glasses.

* * *

Coming up: The Banner, Most Startling Revelations and Remus' Reaction.

Reveiws will not only make me happy, but also make me feel inspired to write more... so please do review.


	2. Sirius' father

a/n: Yes, finally. This got a little delayed, and the reason to that is that my freaky 'please the reviewer' sense kicked in after reading the review that **embersandenvelopes **left, and the result can be read in 'Moon'. But yea, here it is chapter two... hope you like :)

Disclaimer: No... just, no. I don't own. Anything.

Notes: This is unbeta:d, so don't flame me for the spelling, K? This is dedicated to myvery best friend Maria whom I love dearly. Glad försenad Allahjärtansdag Darling!

* * *

The Woes of Sirius Black

Now, Sirius' father had always been a bit eccentric. It was common knowledge in the wizarding world. What people didn't know was that he also had a special liking to muggle music. This, however, Sirius was painfully aware of. How many times hadn't he been dragged up on the attic and had to listen to numerous songs, all of the kind that made your toes tap unconsciously? Sirius didn't know. There was a great resemblance between the father and son; they both had long black hair, sparkling identical smiles and a talent for mischief. The elder Black would often pull small pranks around the house and then hide in the attic until his wife stopped screaming. Sirius remembered one particular time when she'd found a cute, fluffy, golden brown hamster in her dresser drawer. Doxys, spiders and boggarts be damned, but hamsters were her great fear. Regulus had been the one to carry away the poor shaking little creature and had rolled his eyes and shared a grin with Sirius before letting it out in a cage that had been quickly set up in the garden among the white roses. The few times that Mrs Black dared to venture out into the garden after this event, she would wear large boots resembling clocks of concrete on her feet.

The night before Sirius and Regulus were going back to school, a flurry of red and black burst into Sirius' room, stumbled on the carpet, gave a surprised shout, and promptly fell onto the bed. Sirius turned around in the chair in front of the desk and stared at his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you wearing that?"

"Oh, this?" he pointed at the red piece of clothing which hung loosely around his form.

Sirius blinked.

"It's comfortable and I couldn't find my pyjamas."

Sirius blinked.

"So you wear the Santa suit?"

Sirius father blinked. Sirius blinked. The elder took this moment as an opportunity to change the subject.

"You know, son, it comes a time-"

"Why are you calling me 'son'?"

"…Well, isn't that what you're supposed to do when you're having 'the talk' with your children?"

"Have you been watching daytime telly? If Mum finds out she'll throw a fit."

"You won't tell her will you? Because there's this really wicked show on cable where this cool American bloke pummels the wits-"

"Ok, ok Dad, it's fine."

"Oh, good. Anyway, you know son, there comes a time in a mans life when-"

"Dad."

"-he starts having these new _feelings_…"

"Dad."

"And, don't fret, because it's completely natural-"

"DAD."

"Yes?"

"It's ok, you don't have to, I figured it out on my own. And I went through puberty all right. And you'll soon be matching the Santa suit if you keep going."

"Oh, ok…" said the now very blushing Mr Black. "Well, that's good then… Nothing you want to ask?"

"Not that I can think of…"

"Well, I will be going then." Or rather, he _would_ be going had he not as he attempted to stand up trod on something extremely pink and slippery, and fallen back onto the bed in a not-so-graceful pile. He shook his head and puffed to remove the strand of black hair that had ended up in his mouth. Sirius was hiding a grin with his hand. The sight of his father falling all over the place in a Santa suit was quite spectacular.

"Hang on a minute…"

Oh no. Oh GOD no.

"…Isn't this that curtain…"

"No, Dad, it's just some…" Sirius scrambled to get the fabric and stash it away, but too late, his father had picked it up and now stood examining the brilliantly pink ex-curtain with avid attention. Sirius just stared in horror as his father read the text on the banner, mouthing the words slightly as he read them, then folding the bright pink fabric back into a neat square and placing it on the bed, giving it a small tuck, flashing his son a big smile with a mischievous glint to it which made Sirius a tad nervous, and then proceeded to slant out of the room and shutting the door on his very stunned (and embarrassed) son.

* * *

On the platform, right before Sirius was supposed to get on the train, his father slipped him a small parcel and said in a hushed voice: 

"You'll figure it out." then he winked and started to talk loudly while pushing Sirius toward the train door where Peter stood waiting. "Oh, come on Sirius it's just a train! It's like a big badger of iron, only more...erm... red..."

That was not the first time that Sirius was astounded by his father's incompatibility of saving the situation.

* * *

Sirius didn't open the light brown wrapped package until a week later. He was still a bit suspicious of the smile that his father had given him after seeing the banner, and as his father was as prone to pranks as he himself, it was with great hesitation tha the finally decided to open it on a monday evening when only he and Remus were in the dormitory. 

"So, you're going to open it then?" Remus was sitting in his bed with his legs crossed and his eyes intently directed at Sirius.

"Yea." Sirius sat unmoving, looking at the beige item in his hands.

"No consideration of what might be in there?"

"No."

"And this from a person who knows your father?"

"Yes."

"You're very monosyllabic today."

"So it would seem."

"Aww, come on Pads, what's wrong?" He had moved to the edge of the bed, and sat with his feet dangling in the air.

Sirius sighed.

"Well...it's just that...My dad found out something about me. Just before we left."

"Is it something I know?" Remus said worriedly, a slight crease between his eyebrows.

Sirius kept staring at the parcel, twirling it slowly.

"I highly doubt it."

"Oh."

A disappointed silence followed. Then Sirius pursed his lips determinedly and ripped off the brown paper. Down fell a small device that Sirius recongised as a tape recorder, and a small envelope.

"Oooh, whatisthat?" Remus came bouncing over, agilely jumping up on Sirius' bed and bumping into him in his eagerness. Sirius froze as Remus sat next to him, their thighs flush against eachother, Remus hand lightly placed above Sirius' knee.

"I don't know..." Sirius said distractedly, his eyes glued to Remus' hand, tracing the lines on his fingers.

"Can I look at it?"

"Sure..."

Sirius was shaken out of his reverie as Remus moved his hand to pick up the tape recorder. _Oh, right_... Sirius shook his head and picked up the envelope. He opened it with a slight flick of the paper, and stared. The letter inside was of a bright pink colour. _Oh no, this doesn't bode good, I'd better get that thing away from Remus_- too late. Again. The tape recorder had given a 'click' and was currently playing a song. Sirius sat silent, watching his toes tap the rhythm, seemingly of their own accord.

"Diana Ross" Remus' brown eyes were large as dinner plates. Sirius stopped looking at his tapping toes and instead concentrated on listening to the lyrics. At first they seemed ok, but as the tune went on Sirius was painfully aware of his ever reddening face.

I'm coming out I want the world to know I got to let it show.

Pink paper be damned, he needed to know what his father had written. Sirius tore open the envelope and fervently pulled out the vulgarly pink letter. If letting his father see the banner was mistake number one, this was definitely mistake number two. The letter instantly got its own life, flapped up into the air and started talking to him in his fathers voice.

"Hello my boy, now, I know you said that you had it all figured out, but teenage boys are so confused, how can you really know, huh?" Sirius could almost hear the wink in his voice. "What you need to know is that there's nothing wrong with being a homosexual, it's widespread in the animal kingdom! There's this little animal called... erm... oh, I can't remember what it's called,but they are bisexual, they shag everything they get their paws on! Not that you should shag everything you get your hands on..." and on it went for several minutes. When the letter was done it blew itself up into a gigantic pink balloon and popped. One of the pieces fell in Sirius' hair, but he didn't care, he was too busy feeling humiliated. He sat with his face buried deeply in his hands, elbows on his knees. _Oh GOD. His father had said... And Remus had heard! REMUS!_ Sirius raised his head when a strange muffled sound escaped the boy next to him. He looked concernedly at Remus, and at that moment Remus couldn't seem to hold it in any longer. And as Remus dedicated himself to the fine art of laughing, Sirius pouted and started to plan the revenge on his father.

* * *

a/n: I've never read Sirius' dad written like that, and I thought I'd give it a shot... Tell me what you think please, I need it ;P 

To the reviewers: Thankyou so much! I printed the reviewsout to motivate me to write more, it really helps, thanks A LOT. I'm sorry, it's so late and I'm really tired so I'm not gonna make individual responses, but just know that my heart fill with sunshine happyness every time I get a review. :)


	3. Sirius' closet

a/n: ok, so the day after I posted the last chapter I got really sick. And that's probably why I was too tired to make review responses, cos otherwise I'm very gung ho about that. (they are at the bottom of the page.) And I still am sick actually. Yesterday I had 39.3 degrees fever when I woke up. And... that is a lot. Anyway, I wrote the fisrt part of this chapter yesterday in a feverhaze, and it turned out kinda' sappy, and just generally a bit crappy. Bear with me on this one, K?. This is the longest chapter so far, and the song is important in the latter part of it. I had a headache around the middle, and then I was hyper towards then end... My writing is a lot like my moods actually. And then at one time I went crazy, picked up my roll of toiletpaper, looked through the hole in the middle at a book with black covers and went 'oooh, this looks just like that picture from _the Ring_'.

Disclaimer: Ok, so, claiming is what the empires did with the colonies. For example: Britain claimed India. Now, according to Eddie Izzard, this claiming thing is done by the cunning use of flags. Sad to say, I haven't got a flag. So I can't claim Harry Potter for myself. Dammit...

Notes: This chapter is un-beta:d, cos I can't be bothered to log on to msn and see if anybody there can beta for me... I'm a lazy girl. I haven't mentioned this next thing before, cos I didn't think that I needed to, but this is a Slash fic. Which probably most of you have realised already ;)

* * *

The Woes of Sirius Black 

All things considered, Remus responded rather well to the news that Sirius was gay. Very well in fact. After the last giggle had subsided they had had a rather pleasant chat. Well, pleasant if you counted Sirius continuously blushing face as something enjoyable. Still, Sirius had gone to bed that night feeling better than expected after being outed by his father of all people. Remus had been very understanding, and the only reprimand he'd given Sirius was telling him that he had to use his own razors when shaving his legs. Though, Sirius assumed that he'd been joking. Razors were so easily lost.

* * *

A few weeks went in which time Sirius spent many hours talking to Remus, taking walks with Remus, checking out the finer parts of Remus' backside, and just pondering Remus in general. It became quite clear to Sirius that he was actually very much infatuated with his friend, and he couldn't help but wonder if there was even the slightest chance that the other boy might like him back. Sirius found himself feeling giddy all the time he was around Remus, he wanted to make him laugh and smile in that adorable heart-stopping way every single moment. He wanted to tell Remus how he felt, and he wanted Remus to say that he loved him back, he wanted there to be rose petals and sunsets and long un-moonlit walks and kisses and the finishing of eachother's sentences, and... but all of this was a bit futile, Sirius knew that.

* * *

Sirius hated living in the closet. He had never been very good at hiding things, and not telling his other friends hung heavily on him. Even though the closet had gotten a bit bigger and containing Remus, after a while it became too cramped, he wanted out. 

"So... you're really doing it then?"

"Yea..."

They were walking around the lake, the sun setting it the sky, showering them in a glow of yellow light that made Remus' eyes sparkle.

"...it's just, I can't stand not telling them."

"You know Pads, you must be the bravest person I know," Remus said with an amused smile, "I'm proud of you."

Sirius flushed at the praise, it was always a thousand times better when it was Remus who was complementing him. He turned his head to look at Remus, and had to take a step backwards so as to not fall over because at that moment Remus had flung himself at him in a big hug. Sirius' heart made a not so subtle thump, and then proceeded to beat at an alarming rate. He became very aware of every part of his body, it felt bigger and it seemed to have several limbs that he'd never realised he'd had before. He took special care not to touch Remus in any inappropriate places, and he tensed, clinging to the moment, the feel of the warm skin of Remus' neck against his own and the soft texture of Remus' hair against his cheek. He was terrified that Remus would notice anything strange, and at the same time hoping that he'd understand the entire situation. Much too soon Remus disentangled himself from Sirius' arms and Sirius body deflated oddly, and the size and numbers of his limbs went back to normal. Remus flashed him a smile, and they went back to the castle in silence, Sirius deep in the thoughts of planning his how-to-get-Remus-Lupin action.

(a/n: I would just like to point out that the extra limbs that Sirius got were all in his mind, he just got so selfconscious and stuff.)

* * *

The following day Sirius went down to the Great Hall early for dinner. When the other students showed up he was sitting at the Gryffindor table, the Banner on the floor between his feet and the tape recorder in his robe pocket. He was prepared, he had thought of everything. Well... almost everything. He wasn't sure he needed to calculate the risk of having a bird swoop down in the middle of it all and drop something on him, but he had checked the floor for chewed bubble gum. His friends sat down around him, the dinner appeared, and was soon in the process of being devoured. By everybody except Sirius Black, who was merely staring at his plate, wondering why his tummy seemed to want to rather get food out of him than in, and sporting the vocal abilities of saying 'gah'. He looked up and his eyes swept across the Hall, his tummy making an especially worrying jerk, and then came to rest on Remus who was sitting beside him. As if he could sense Sirius' eyes on him, he turned towards him, saw his friend's slightly panicked face, and gave him an encouraging smile. That did it for Sirius, instantaneously he felt like there was nothing in the world that could put him down, Remus was on his side, and that was all that mattered. He smiled back, and in the burst of courage he rose from his seat, bringing the Banner with him. With a flourish he drew his wand, uttered a charm which sent the Banner flying up into the air, stalked up to the small platform that was situated in one of the ends of the Hall, in clear visibility to all of the Hall's occupants. He climbed up, took a deep breath, and turned to face his audience. 

"Excuse me." he said.

No reaction.

"Hem Hem!" he tried. "COULD I HAVE A MINUTE!"

Useless.

"Dammit..." he mumbled. "I could stand here saying that I was going to emigrate Russia, have a sex change, become a nun, and live the rest of my life in a convent eating Borstj with a unicyclist chimpanzee by the name of Gerald as my only companion."

This however, seemed to get the attention of the crowd before him. They were currently staring at him with the fascination otherwise only found when discovering a new species. _Which_, Sirius thought, _was not that far from the truth, really_. He blushed a little, but as he was determined to go through with his plans he straightened his back and started talking.

"There is a little announcement that I would like to make, some might call it a Most!Startling!Revelation, but... erm... here we go..."

Sirius brought out the tape recorder form his pocket, placed it on the ground next to him and hit the play button.

I'm coming out

I'm coming

I'm coming out

I'm coming out

Loud music pored from the walls of the Hall, filling the air with the voice of Diana Ross, and Sirius had to complement himself on a job well done with the speaker spells.

I'm coming out

I'm coming out

Sirius had unbuttoned his robes and as the real beat came on he threw them off, and revealed the outfit he had beneath: A tight dark purple shirt and arse-hugging leather trousers. _Haha, now I can show off my splendid bottom, in your face Quidditch players!_

I'm coming out

I want the world to know

Got to let it show

Sirius was swaying his hips from side to side, and grinning wickedly at the catcalls and whistles he was receiving. This was so much fun, why hadn't he done this before? Three hundred people adoring your hind quarters was not something Sirius considered a bad thing.

I'm coming out

I want the world to know

I got to let it show

Sirius started dancing to the music, using the entire platform as his dance floor whilst shaking his bum and rolling his hips.

There's a new me coming out

And I just have to live

And I wanna give

I'm completely positive

_Oh shit, the Banner! It's not unfolded!_ He focused his eyes on Remus, trying to tell him through telepathy what he wanted Remus to do. Sirius did unfortunately not possess any such powers and Remus just sat in his seat, puzzled. Sirius sighed, put his hand on his hip and did an exaggerated version of the nightfever dancemove, pointing straight at the folded Banner floating in the air above him.

I think this time around

I am gonna do it

Like you never knew it

Ooh, I'll make it through

Remus nodded, raised his wand, mumbled something, and the Banner was unfolded, revealing it's strikingly pink front adorned with silver writing forming the words 'GAY MEN HAVE MORE FUN'. (a/n: that's an intended pun...) There was a roar of cheers or curses or just plain screams, Sirius didn't really know, but he was having a momentary lapse of awareness at this point.

The time has come for me

To break out of the shell

I have to shout

That I am coming out

Sirius was moving back across the stage, the glossy fabric of his pants flashing in the light of the candles above.

I'm coming out

I want the world to know

Got to let it show

I'm coming out

I want the world to know

I got to let it show

CRACK.

Silence.

Sirius had just trod on the tape recorder. It was presently busy with being crumbed into pieces under his foot. Sirius' mind came back to him in a flash and he felt himself blush for the second time in less than five minutes, but the silence in the Hall was almost immediately broken by giggling. Sirius looked up and saw that the other Marauders were practically lying on their plates, faces red with suppressed laughter. _Right_, Sirius mused, _what are friends for if not to laugh at you when you've made a complete fool of yourself_. But in a few moments the people around them had caught on, and in merely seconds the entire school body was laughing happily.

* * *

a/n: ok, so that performance scene was the first thing I came up with for this story. Though, the original version in my mind had this really silly dancemove which is really hilarious, but can't be fully enjoyed when written. It's one of those 'gotta see it so get it' things. Well, my mind is having fun with it anyway. :P Oh, and I read '_When senses take leave_' by **Secret Slashyness** before today, and I think I might have been influenced by that... but just a teeny tiney bit. Not even noticeable... 

First I just wanted to thank the lovely people who's reviewed '_Moon_', that made me really happy since I actually hadn't expectead anybody to read it at all...

**Marauder-girl **- yea, I mean, nothing can be more romantic than having cold condensed water thrust up your nose ;P

**Sohalia Talitha **– I'm really glad you like it, I was a bit doubtful to the outcome of that first chapter... it wasn't really what I had expected it to be... thank you for the review :)

**Hannio** – I think this update is a bit quicker than the last one... couls be that I've been home doing nothing for the past days making me a bit more creative... who knows...

**Faerie Nyx** – I think I might have mentioned the word 'arse' or words having the same meaning as the aforementioned word too many times in such short a text...

**ginnyweasley109** – Well... I've already given you more, haven't I :P

**embersandenvelopes** – Oh, don't I blame you. You made me write another fic you catalyst reviewer you:P Nah, I'm just joking... In a strange kind of feverish way... The spacebar of my computer doesn't work either... so that's why I'm using m'dads... I'm a bit sneaky...

**not-yet-written** – hey, you can chuckle and I can cough so we can form the 'make sounds which names start on the letter 'c'' orchestra! What a great idea:P (No... maybe not... being sick doesn't really agree with me does it?)

**sleeper6** – Blushing Sirius is cute... though, I think he's supposed to be cute all the time... hmm... ah, well, he's very embarrassed in this chapter, so that would make him über-cute, ne?

**Neolina** – Wanna know a secret? I like the plot too ;)

**RemusSirius** – Actually, that 'The Nile- Denial' thing is a pretty old thing... Sorry 'hides in shame' thank you muchly for reading

**Miko** – I dunno why, but when I read you reveiw and thought of the scene, my mind started playing Sum 41 lyrics in my head. And those were 'aggrevation, getting a frustration', I thought that was odd... I mean, it doesn't rhyme with any words in the review or anything... gah.

**Kiki Cabou** – Yea, I really like him too, I never thought about it when I wrote it, but he is a bit like Arthur... And only after I had posted it I remembered that he's incredibly OOC...

**Ben's Little Mickey** – Yes, this is a Remus/Sirius Slash fanfic, I forget to say that since I use another format here than when I post on my LJ, but it is Remmie/Siri. Cos they are just too cute :D

**DeadAngel** :P He is funny to write, but imagine _having_ him as your father...

**i-h8-sclub** – Love the name, I do too.

**Tanya J Potter** – I'm so glad that you like it :D

**remusisimine** – Lo darlin', well, this is a slash fic, and... that is boy on boy, sorry. So if you don't like that then it would be better if you read something else, K? And... well, technically, it's ROWLING'S Remmy-poo.

**K. A. Maples** – No, completely respectless universe for that boy... Everybody else is all cool and going 'respect man', but not in Siriuniverse ;P

**ozumas girl** – Yay! It rocks! Just watched School of Rock, so I'm a bit pro-Rock-ish at the moment... 'Happy happy' :P

**peegchica** – I don't know how embarrassing it is really, sometimes I can't watch a movie or read something cos I think it's too embarrassing... hmm... well, maybe I find it less embarrassing since I know _exactly_ what's gonna happen ;)

**RainOwl **:P

**Lizzy-Evans** – No, it wasn't the last chapter... and this isn't either. Am thrilled that you liked the speech :D

**hardfootrk -**:O Wow. I didn't think that it was _that_ good... had I known I would have bragged more ;P I'm so happy that you liked it considering the quite major obstacle of hating the theme... erm... and it was actually your review that made me finally sit down in front of the computer with a sore throat and a pounding head to write some more. ;) Thank you so much.


	4. Sirius' friends and family

a/n: This chapter was consieved at 3:30 in the morning. Sorry for over-crazyness :P I had just been talking to this Bosnian bloke about Ducks for an hour or something. Erm... where was I... Oh, yea, nobody really told me if they wanted Sirius' dad to come back, but I decided that I wanted him to, cos I had this really cool thing I wanted him to say. Well, I thought that it was funny anyway... Oh, and through the whole thing he's like very happy... like that -> :3

I would also like to point out that one mere hour after I had posted chapter 3 I came to the conclusion that that chapter was crap. So I went to take it down. Only, the internet had crashed. And then the harm was done. So now I still have the crappy chapter 3. This chapter is a bit better in my opinion. Or maybe I just love Sirius' dad.

Disclaimer: Not mine, sorry

* * *

The Woes Of Sirius Black

The catastrophe in the Great Hall left much to be desired for Sirius Black, dignity-wise. On the plus side was the fact that his arse was now the most sought after in school, and the fact that his outing had been well received. The negative part was the detention. Dumbledore had winkingly said that even though his performance had been highly enjoyable, it was not suitable to support it. Leaving Sirius with two weeks worth of detention. Though, Sirius was happy, for had it been the Potions Professor assigning the punishment he would have been stuck scrubbing cauldrons until Easter.

No, the school seemed to be alright with the whole thing, though James was a bit slow on the uptake. Peter had been very understanding – but also he underlined the razor issue ("Sirius, you really need to stop stealing all the razors.""But the sink eats all of mine!""That's because the hole in the back of it isn't a razor-holder. It's really just a hole.""Oh..."). No, it was James who was having issues with the thing. He was a bit distanced towards Sirius the first few days, but it all showed it's reason one night about a week after the lively performance. The boys were sitting in the library under the pretense on studying, but James was mostly sneaking secret glances at Sirius, and Sirius being himself felt extremely unnerved by this, as well as feeling a little bit giddy because Remus was sitting next to him. James kept looking up at Sirius, scratching his head, opening his mouth, then closing it again and lowering his eyes to the book in front of him. Eventually, Sirius had had enough, he sat up straight in his seat, looking at James, and waited. Soon enough James had raised his head to cast another look at him and when he saw Sirius sitting there looking back at him with a penetrating stare he froze with his neck in a mid-lift position. Sirius sighed.

"James, just tell me what it is, your neck's gonna cramp if you keep that up."

James looked a bit abashed at being caught, but took a deep breath and said, quite hurriedly:

"Do you fancy any one of us?"

Sirius smirked.

"Oh, James, I had hoped that you would have figured it out!"

"F-figured what out?"

James seemd to be panicking.

"Oh, please don't try to deny it, you know that I'm madly in love with you!"

Sirius stood up and started to round the table in purposeful strides. James' eyes were attempting to pop right out of their sockets and he had started hyperventilating. Sirius cast a glance at Remus, and was a bit surprised to see him trying to smother his grin with his hand. Sirius' smirk grew a bit amused, and he lightly placed a hand on James' shoulder, making the other boy jump high in his seat and squeal. He then went calmly back to his seat next to Remus and resumed reading. After a few minutes he looked up to find James staring at him.

"James, I don't fancy you. That was a joke."

"Oh, good." James drew a deep breath of relief, and seemed to deflate a little. "So, Sirius, you're gay, good on you chap."

"You know James, you really need to use your teeny-tiny head more, mate."

"Additional thought," chirped Peter,"why not start using your big one aswell?"

(a/n: Oh, that was so low. Am ashamed that I even came up with that. Am stunned that I'm actually posting this... It's a bit like that joke: "Hit me!" said the Masochist, "No." Said the Sadist.)

* * *

With everything going on around him, people slamming into him all the time making him drop his things and having to bend down to retrieve them, the detentions, and trying to make Remus see the point that everybody else in the school seemed to be getting, it didn't hit him that maybe his parents had heard of the ordeal. That fact on the other hand hit him on his first detentionfree night when he had an unexpected visit. The Marauders were up in their dorms, Peter and James were playing chess, and Remus was sharing his bed with Sirius who had come bouncing when Remus was doodling on a piece of parchment. Sirius was sitting in a dramatic (or so he thought) pose with his legs stretched our before him, one crossed over the other, leaning back on the bed with his left arm as a support, putting on and taking off his new glasses in exuberant (and to be honest – ridiculously overdone) movements when – of all people – his father came bursting through the door.

"Hello my boy!"

"DAD!"

"That would be me."

"W-what are you doing here?"

"Can't we come and congratulate our son on his successful outing?"

"We?"

"Your mother and I."

"MUM'S HERE!"

Sirius had jumped up from his position on Remus' bed and now stood staring at Mr Black who was oblivious to his son's horror.

"Why, yes. She's sitting down in the common room. Well... not as much sitting as being bound to a chair. And I had to put a gag on her. And hide her wand in the cupboard in that room on the third floor at home..."

"..."

"..."

"You have Mum gagged and bound to a chair in the Gryffindor common room."

"Basically."

"Well, at least you're not wearing the Santa suit."

"Actually-"

Sirius made a pained expression. "No..."

"-I had it sown in and everything..."

"Oh, _God_."

"... I mean, come on, _feel_ that fabric." He had rolled up his sleeve, revealing a piece of dark red fabric beneath it which he was now holding out to the other habitants of the room."Come on boys, don't be shy!"

But none of the boys had the time to do anything, as Sirius had quickly shoved his father out the door, down the stairs and out into the common room, where Sirius was greeted by quite another vision. His mother was sitting tied to a chair in the middle of the room, she was gagged and staring wide-eyed and open mouthed at a little furry creature sitting in her lap.

"Dad."

"Yes?"

"What's that thing on her lap?"

"Oh, that's that animal I told you about," Mr Black said proudly, "the one that shags everything!"

"Are you sure?"

"Well...no, not really, I found it running around in the garden."

"Dad."

"Yes?"

"That's our hamster."

"Oh, really? I thought it looked familiar..."

"Dad, she's screaming."

"The hamster?"

"No, Mum is screaming."

"Is she? I can't hear her...though, I did put a silencing charm on the gag."

It took some time for Sirius to make his mother calm down (after carefully removing the hamster from her and disposing it in the welcoming hands of Remus), convince his father that the best thing would be to simply go home, and finally see them off through the fireplace. His mother had been too upset to actually comment on his 'outing', but his father had been overly positive. He had even tried to have 'the talk' with Sirius again in front of all the prying eyes (and ears) of the other Gryffindors. Though, he only had time to tell his son about the time he and his wife went to Vegas before Sirius led the conversation over to the at that moment still screaming Mrs Black. When Sirius finally came back up to the dormitories feeling that he really hadn't needed to know the battlecry of the Las Vegas Amazon-warriors, Remus was sitting in his bed, petting the hamster. Sirius decided that going to bed was a good thing to do, and as he lay beneath the covers he came to the understanding that to envy a hamster was a tad bit pathetic. But that didn't stop him from being jealous.

* * *

Review responses! 'gasp' Am thrilled that people endured the horror of chapter 3.

**ozumas girl** - 'Sirius falls down' "Gee, thanks" :P Thank you so much for reviewing, it made my day, I was all sad and you made e happy :D

**sleeper6** - I think it can become too cramped when outing them both at the same time. Unless it's done by a kiss. Like, a mutual one. But in that case I like to say that they 'discover their love' which sounds muchmore sappy. :P

**Beena-Paani** - The coming out song is really great. And it gave me a plotbunny for which I am eternally grateful - Go Diana Ross!She Rulzz :P And it somehow gave the perfect opportunity for the 'I'm on top of the world' feeling and then 'crash and burn'... Mwehehehehe... Oh god... that was the evil laughter... Not good...

**Miko** - Well... I don't know real- Of course he's gonna get Remus :D This is me writing Slash we're talking about here... I mean, all that putting on and taking off of the glasses has to show off, right?He wasn't suspended, but thankyou for alerting my mind to that tidbit ;) was very helpful. Another reason as to why I love reviews.

**Neolina** - Han är ganska klantig :P Men å andra sidan så är hans Pappa det också... err... ja.Thankyou for reviewing 'a pretty pile of stones'.

**hardfootrk** - The first fanfic thing I wrote was this Harry/Ginny thing. I never finished it. Cos I started to read Harry/Draco, whichI had been a bit doubtful to at first, but then I just loved it and ditched the poor H/G story... to write 'Tugged into realisation'. Which turned out all the meanings of 'mad' there is. :P

Aww, come on, leave me a review. Please. Just a little one. It doesn't even have to have sprinkles on it. And you can bother me about the typo:s even though I didn't have it beta read. Just, please?


	5. Sirius' crush

a/n: Ok, so to be honest, as I am (finally) sitting down to get this next chapter out I only have ONE idea of what is to take place. This feels great. But I felt that I have to write some more. Or else I might never get to doing it. So. Don't flame me for the crappyness of the content of this chapter. Just so. I just had the most interesting review I've ever gotten. By Beena-Pani. She made a song! For the hamster! Lol!

"I'm in the lap  
Of Mrs Black  
Doo do doo, doo do doo  
Take that, take that  
Mrs Black  
Doo do doo, doo do doo  
You tried to squish me...  
But now I am free...  
Take that, take that  
Mrs Black!"

Freedom of expression really is wonderful ;)

I also had a(n anonymous) review saying that this fic is a bit nasty and gross. And... well... thinking about it... if its' because Sirius is gay then I do not agree at all. But if it's because of my constant repetiton of words with equal or similar meaning to that of 'arse' then I have to totally agree. I wonder how many times I've mentioned that particular bodypart in this fic... but I'm too lazy to count... :P

Went to Germany two days ago, and Mum who's put us all on the weight-watchers diet nearly cried when she saw the cheese. I bought lots of candy. And I'd better get to writing before the m&m's start melting in my hand...

Disclaimer: I don't get why these are needed at this point. I mean, come on, here I am saying that mr Black is a clumsy, nice, naïve guy who runs around in a Santa suit. I mean, JKR would _never_ have written something like that, only an idiot would... erm... oh, forget it. 'Snot mine, K?

The Woes of Sirius Black

"Look Pads, I don't get what you're so upset about."

"You wouldn't." Sirius mumbled.

He was lying in his bed with his head dug deeply into the pillow. The rest of the marauders were sitting around the dorm room and seemingly minding their own buisness, but their attention was focused on Sirius, who seemed to be having quite a bit of a bad day.

"But it's not like it's a bad thing!" James continued, "I mean, I'd be honoured if it was me..."

Sirius lifted his ruffled head up and scowled at James.

"So you wouldn't care that you'd won on faulse grounds? That you knew that someone else would have been more worthy?"

"What are you talking about? It's not like it's a competition or anything... People just voted for you! I mean, you can't _actually_ be upset about it, listen to this..." he cleared his throat and started to read off a crumbled and straightened out parchment. "We hereby proclaim that Sirius Black is the winner of the first annual 'most praised posterior' vote-"

With a growl Sirius launched himself at James, tearing the parchment from his hands, balling it into a slightly wonky ball in his fist, and throwing it to the floor. He then sank down on his bed again, covering his head with the pillow. This, however, did not give the desired effect of James shutting up. In fact, it was a catalyst of quite the opposite.

"I don't get you! You've just been told that people like your arse, and you're MOPING about it! Anyone else would be thrilled! What's WRONG with you?"

Sirius once again popped his head up, not wanting to be cut out from the part of yelling back because of lack of air.

"There's nothing wrong with me! It's just a fact! I wouldn't even have been _mentioned_ if somebody would have thought to look in Remus' direction!"

"WHAT?"

Uh-oh. Sirius cheekes flushed and not daring to look over at Remus who had been the one to utter the last exclamation he dived under the pillow, dragging the blanket over his head. There was some pulling in the bedcloth and attempts to talk to him, but Sirius just clutched the blanket and loudly repeated 'I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening' over and over. The assault on Sirius blanket suddenly came to an abrupt end, and as Sirius silenced his chanting in favor of listening, there were some mumbling voices and a second later footsteps leaving and the opening and slamming shut of the dorm door.

With a relieved huff at getting out from the warmth Sirius threw the covers off, just to hurriedly try to pull them back up at the sight of Remus standing close and peering down at him. But as he was tugging at the hem of the blanket, Remus had apparently sat on the same, for the Gryffindor was now effectively holding down the fabric with his knees on either side of Sirius' legs. This discovery was quickly followed by another startling thought: Remus was straddling him. Sirius stared up at his friend.

"We need to talk."

Sirius tried to respond in an eloquent way, he really did, but all that managed to make its way out of his mouth was a little squeak, and after realising that this was probably all his poor vocal chords could manage at the moment, Sirius stopped trying. Instead he shot Remus an inquisitative look, and at this the other boy resumed talking.

"I can't take this any longer. I've tried, I really have, but under these circumstances..."

Sirius stared at him. He hadn't thought that Remus knew. He could actually feel his face filling up with colour and he was uncomfortably aware of the position they were in, Remus sitting practically on top of his... _thing_.

"The nights are the worst. I mean, at day there are classes and stuff, but at night it's constantly bugging me. I've tried stroking it, but it's always all over the place! I don't know what to do!"

Sirius eyes were now impossibly wide. Remus had been _STROKING IT?_

"I'm not sleeping well and for Christ sake, I don't even know what to call it!"

"W-well, I'm sorry that my crush on y-you is effecting you in that way." he stammered.

"What?" Remus said obliviously.

Sirius mind went blank. Wasn't that what Remus had meant?

"Err... What were you talking about... exactly?"

Remus looked at him oddly.

"The hamster..." he said slowly,"...which you dumped in my care two weeks ago. Which has been interrupting my sleep from crawling around squeaking and scratching in my bed, it won't stay in the shoebox the house-elves got for me to keep it in, I put spells on the box and everything but it's not working - we need a cage for it Pads!"

Sirius stared at Remus with a mix between relief and horror, he had just expressed his not-so-platonic liking for the boy sitting on-bloody-top of him, but seemingly (and luckily) that had slipped by unnoticed.

"And I don't know it's name. What's the hamster called?"

It took a few seconds for Sirius to collect his wits enough to answer.

"Err... well... when Mum first saw it she called it 'Scary bugger with teeth!'..."

Remus snickered, and slapped Sirius lightly over the head.

"You stupid sod..." he mumbled, "Well, we'd better give it a name then. Any suggestions?"

"I've always liked the Swedish name 'Rutger'."

"Do you want him to get the shit kicked out of him by other hamsters? You can't call him something like that, that's social suicide! Well, homicide since it's you doing it to him. But he's not human so... Err... Hamsticide?"

"...Right. Not Rutger then. What about 'Spam'?"

"Spam?"

"Yes," Sirius grinned, "that would go well with my fluffy beanie bunny Pickles!" he held up a very fat and stuffy pink bunny with long floppy ears. "That would be so cool, 'Pickles and Spam'! We could make them matching nametags and-"

"Sirius," Remus interrupted him, "that is indeed a very charming idea, but I'm afraid that for the hamster being paired up with a pink stuffed rabbit whould be rather... _crushing_. I'll come up with something. Don't you worry about that, but please get a cage for him, ok?" With that, Remus slipped off Sirius' bed, and stopping and leering at him in the door, made his way down to the common room.

Sirius sat up in bed gaping at him long after he'd disappeared down the stairs. His heart was beating erratically and his mind was reeling. How much did Remus know?

a/n: K, so this is a bit short, but it'll have to do... I'm too tired to do any reviewresponses, I'm sorry, but I got inspiration for the hamster bit from a few of them ;) I hope that wasn't too much... I have to blame tiredness and insanity on my brain's part. I have nothing to do with it. :P The hamster became rather important here... It was the same thing with the beaverhat in TIR... gah. Anyway, please please please do review, I need to not feel totally crap when I'm studying this week. Puh-lease? Oh, and Pickles is a little bit inspired by Kumagoro. Not much though... just... a little. And I love 'Pickles and Spam'. When I get kids I'm gonna call therm that ;) And to those who've reviewed: I love you all :D


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